Anukha-isms

The world is rapidly moving away from traditional Blogger style blogs to a variety of social networking tools - Tumblr for microblogs, YouTube for videos, Facebook for social networking, Twitter for trending topics, Snapchat for teens, Instagram for hipsters, WhatsApp for lightweight messaging, Periscope for livestreaming, Yo for saying Yo, and G+ for unwanted motivational quotes.

So, no wonder these blog posts have stagnated. But, wanted to compile all the interesting conversations with Anukha (dubbed "Anukhaisms") in one place. In reverse chronological order .... and hoping to add to these over time ... (and eventually have a hearty laugh years from now)

Age 10: 

Pixel 3:

Conversation with Anukha, who, like all 10 year olds, has a reflexive dismissal of all things non-iPhone

Me : "Hey, Google will announce Pixel 3 phone today"

Anukha : " What??? Another Pixel? It will be terrible"

Me : "No, see.. it is Pixel 3, so has to be better than Pixel and Pixel 2 by definition".

Anukha : "Haven't you seen "Mean Girls 3" movie? Movies with 2 and 3 as sequels are terrible"

PS : Anukha has not actually seen Mean Girls movies, but hears endlessly from her older sister about the decline of the Mean Girls franchise with the sequels.

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Crash Test Dummy :

Anukha (our younger one), who is perpetually locked in playful fights with her older sister yells "Aanya, you dummy, you cannot pull things away from my hand".

I intervene with a not-so-helpful, "Hey Anukha, you cannot say dummies. It is disrespectful".

Anukha : " So, what should I say instead?"

Me (thinking quickly) : "Perhaps you can say, entities with questionable mental faculties"

I mentally felt her groan and eyeroll, without even looking back.

Fifteen minutes later, when I had to brake suddenly in response to an audible alert from the car.

Anukha : "Dad, would the car brake automatically if you did not react?"

Me : "Yes, it would, but I don't want to test it on the road. It is best to test it with crash test dummies".

Anukha : "Ah, *you* said dummies. It is disrespectful".

Me : "Sorry, I meant to say, crash test entities with questionable mental faculties".

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Age 9:

Model behaviour

Conversation with Anukha (our 9 year old) ..

Me : "Anukha, how come you have been so troublesome and throwing tantrums the last couple of days. That is so unlike you, as you are normally exceptionally well behaved "

Anukha : "Because nobody pays attention to me when I am nice. I feel the only way to get something for myself is to create trouble"

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I chuckled reflexively, but pondered upon the home truth of how we grossly under-appreciate the quiet but model behavior, but on the other hand spend disproportionate cycles and resources mollifying the vocal bad behavior.

True at home, true in the workplace, true in global geopolitics.

But, raise one for all the quiet ones with model behavior !!

Note to self : Get an extra raspberry macaron for Anukha.

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Comedian:

Conversation with Anukha, our 9 year old.

Vijay : “Hey Anukha, do you want to be a comedian when you grow up?”

Anukha: “Nah”

Vijay : “ Why not ? Don’t you like making people laugh?”

Anukha: “I do but I also like to make money”

(I furiously start Googling “Ellen DeGeneres net worth”)

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Elaine (from Seinfeld) Dance :

Anukha (our 9 year old) passes her verdict on my ability to hold a tune and to shake a leg to one.

Anukha : "Daddy, not only are you tone-deaf, you are also dance-deaf"

Ooh Burn !!

I just need to figure out whether "dance-deaf" is better or worse than the epic "Elaine dance"

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Birthday gift for mom :

Evolution of conversation with Anukha.

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Ambika - Looks like Anukha's unit test logic was flawless. It returned the same result regardless of the input. At this point, it is probably more helpful to actually dislike one gift to re-establish gift credibility with her.

Two years ago when she was 6.

Me: "Anukha, why are you so upset?"

Anukha: "Because I cannot give mommy the only gift she wants for her birthday that is coming up soon."

Me: "Why, what does mommy want for her birthday?"

Anukha (in her inimitable grumpy voice): "She wants me to be a nice kid !!"

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Conversation now with the 8 year old.

Me: "Anukha, why are you so upset?"

Anukha: "Because mommy doesn't like the gifts I got for her birthday."

Me: "Hmm, that doesn't make sense. I'm sure she likes your gifts"

Anukha (in her inimitable grumpy voice): "She always says that she likes everything, so I *know* that she is lying. How can anyone like everything ?!!"

Age 8:

¿Spanish Heisenberg?

When one of our friends posted the attached scientist logo image, it was a great opportunity to explain some of the scientific concepts to the kids (they seem to be obsessed enough with logos to tolerate some science). We were halfway through the logos, and the kids seem to have gotten the concept ...

And then the literally LOL moment came when Anukha (our 8-year old) looked at the image and asked

"Did Heisenberg discover Spanish?"

Whither thimble

So, when I read that Monopoly decided to retire the "thimble" game piece, I relayed the news to our resident Monopoly fan (8 year old Anukha) to get her reaction.

Anukha : "What is a thimble? There is no thimble game piece, daddy"

(pauses and processes for a while, and then adds)

"Oh, you mean the trash can? "

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PS : OK, thimble retirement decision validated. Make room for the emoji game piece, folks.

http://www.usatoday.com/…/fickle-finger-fate-flic…/98015956/

Female precedent :-)

Conversation with Anukha (our 8 year old).

Anukha : "Daddy, I don't want to be the first female President when I grow up".

Me : "Why ?"

Anukha : "Because that means Trump would become President now".

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While her logic has some holes, full points for being considerate and putting the country ahead of her personal milestones 😀

But, #StillTooYoungForPolitics

Taste funny ?

Conversation with Anukha (our 8 year old), Alexa (Amazon Echo which is progressively getting smarter and learning new skills), and Ambika (who introduced Anukha to a new Alexa feature invoked by wishing Alexa a good morning)

(Looks like Ambika is taking her job as an Alexa product manager too seriously and is always evangelizing Alexa)

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Anukha : "Alexa, tell me a zombie joke"

Alexa (in her inimitable robotic but warm voice) : "Why doesn't a zombie eat comedians? " .... "Because they taste funny".

Anukha : "Mommy, I don't get it"

Ambika : ".... because comedians are funny"

Anukha : " .... daddy is a comedian but he is not funny".

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Ooh ... Burn

Disneyland

So, Anukha our 8-year old brings up the dreaded D-topic today (Disneyland, not Donald Trump). Conversation :

Anukha : "Daddy, how come we never go to Disneyland ?"

Me (thinking quickly and channeling my inner Yogi Berra) : "Kiddo, nobody goes to Disneyland any more because it is too crowded".

Anukha : "Ah .. OK".

Anukha (after 20 seconds): "Wait ... "

Age 7:

In tents Camping

Excerpt from Anukha's (our 7 year old) class essay on weekend camping trip.

I think she has taken some poetic license with the facts, but probably best to lay off #BadPuns till I can re-establish humor credibility with her :-)

Wishes Unlimited

That should teach the grantor of wishes to add a few pages of fine print, caveats, Terms of Service, force majeure exclusions etc.

Little kiddo's school poster "All about myself". Looks like the kids are latching on to loopholes early. If her Plan A career aspiration (gymnast) doesn't pan out, she can be a Panama financial loophole consultant.



Optimal bear

Story from the 7 year old kiddo. It looks like there has been some downsizing (ahem ... I mean "resource realignment with efficiency optimization") in the Bear household.


Looks like the kiddo is ready for a sterling career with McKinsey.




Infinitieth


Conversation with Anukha who was in a particularly grumpy mood and with me trying to mollify her.

Vijay : "Anukha, am I your best friend?"
Anukha : "NO.. no way"
Vijay : "Am I at least tenth? hundredth?"
Anukha : "No, daddy, you are infinitieth"

And apparently, infinitieth is a real word with legitimate use https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/infinitieth

Lollipop

Anukha : "Daddy, can I eat this lollipop?"
Vijay : "No, it is not good for your health"
Anukha : "But, daddy, it is organic".

Sigh !!

Frenemies

Kiddo's vocabulary is rapidly expanding. 

Anukha (our 7-year old) trying to summarize her complex relationship with her older sister Aanya


Anukha : "Aanya and I are frenemies"


Negative time ?

Conversation with Anukha after driving past an old building in the neighborhood.

Anukha : "Daddy, how old is the oldest building in the world?"

Vijay : "About 4,000 years old"

Anukha (after a few moments of contemplation) : "No, that is not possible because we are in 2015 and 4000 years ago means they built it in negative time".


(I think it is time to move past the Gregorian calendar to an absolute time based calendar with baseline to the Big Bang)

smile emotic

Age 6:

Out of memory:

The following conversation took place while driving with the family. 

Vijay to Ambika : "Hey, your phone is out of memory again and you cannot take any pictures or videos. Why don't you upgrade to a new phone with lot more memory?"

Anukha (overhearing our conversation) : "It is OK, daddy. Don't you know that if you are always taking pictures and videos, you actually remember the events less?"

Indeed, kiddo, truer words have not been spoken. Others agree as well (link)


Self-assessment:

Anukha: "Daddy, I am a hard-to-raise kid"


Impossible gift:

Vijay : " Anukha, why are you so upset? "

Anukha : "Because I cannot give mommy the only gift she wants for her birthday that is coming up soon"

Me: "Why, what does mommy want for her birthday?"

Anukha (in her inimitable grumpy voice): "She wants me to be a nice kid !!"


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Hyper question:


Anukha is growing up fast. Her latest question :

"Daddy, why do websites have a weird "hutpus" (https) in their address that no one can pronounce instead of something easy to say?"

Yes, Tim Berners Lee, why ? :-)


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On the money:

Idle chit chat with Anukha

Vijay : "Anukha, what do you want to be when you grow up ? "

Anukha : "A millionaire"


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Cloudy with a chance of cuteness:

Conversation with Anukha after she typed a few lines of her "first story".

Anukha: "Daddy, did you save my story?"

Vijay : "Yes, I did "

Anukha: "Where? In the cloud?"


(Vijay's note to self: Time to call the peak. Short QQQ. Double short SKYY)

Age 5:



Trust a 5 year old to put things in perspective. Conversation with Anukha

Vijay (playfully): "Anukha, do you want to be the President (of America) when you grow up?"

Anukha : "Why ?"

Vijay: "Because the American president is the most powerful person in the world"

Anukha : "No that is not true"

Vijay (with a puzzled look and rapidly thinking of what alternatives a 5 year old would have - maybe cartoon characters or Superheroes ) : "No? Then who is the most powerful person?"

Anukha : "It is God"

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Who's stuck now?

Anukha: " Daddy, why are the letters on a computer arranged in a random order instead of ABC order?"


Vijay : "Long ago, people typed on mechanical devices and if they typed too fast, the keys would get stuck. To prevent that sticking, the keys were arranged in a different order to prevent sticking by placing the letters differently from ABC order. We still use that even on a computer because people got used that pattern for many, many years, even though we do not need to worry about keys jamming together"


Anukha : "OK .. so, why didn't they jumble the number keys also?"

Age 4:



#1 Dad:

Conversation on the day after Father's day and when Anukha remembered the card she made at school for Father's day.

Anukha : "Mommy.. Mommy..how come everyone in my class has the world's best dad?"

(Maybe Vijay should brace himself for a card that says something like "Possibly the world's 789,920,204 th best dad")

Dog days:

After Vijay expressed mock frustration one morning after getting stuck at  two red lights, the following conversation took place.

Anukha :  "Daddy, you know why you are always stressed out... because you are are born in the "Year of the Dog". Dogs worry about everything" 

and helpfully added :  "you should have been born in the year of the Rat like me.. you will like arts and crafts".

I had to go back and look up the Chinese Zodiac site and this is what I found for Metal Dog (for the year I was born) : "Metal Dogs are easily stressed if a plan does not go accordingly. They find it difficult to relax when there are things to be done."

(Looks like we have a solid Plan B for Anukha's career)


Age 3:

Made in Chennai: 

Fun with Anukha's early attempts at reading. This conversation happened right after we returned from a trip to India.


Anukha (excitedly) : " Daddy.. daddy.. you know what... my toy train whistle is made in Chennai... ... oh, never mind, it is made in China"

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Daddy 2.0

When Vijay used getting old as an excuse to get out of giving Anukha endless  piggy back rides, clearly inspired by iPad upgrade cycles, she said 

Anukha : "Daddy, since you are getting old, will we get a new daddy next year?"


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CTRL + ALT + DREAM

Anukha (our 3 year old) said to Vijay : "Daddy.. daddy... I got a bad dream during my nap ... but I deleted it so it won't bother me again"

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Another Festivus Miracle:

Christmas time conversation

Anukha (excitedly) : "Wow daddy, Santa got me exactly what I wanted !!"

Vijay : "Wow - look at that .. it is a Christmas miracle .."

Anukha : "No daddy, it is a rocket launcher"

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Food for thought:


Anukha (our 3 yr old): "Daddy, daddy... Did you know that chicken is a pun? There is a food called chicken and there is also an animal called chicken...."

(I think I'll wait a couple of years before I tell her :))

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iVelcro:

Anukha was wearing her shoes and fixing the Velcro clasp when this conversation happened....

Vijay : "Do you know what this called?"

Anukha : "Yes, it is Velcro"

Vijay (reflexively and without really expecting a response): "Cool !! Do you know who created Velcro?"

Anukha : "Steve Jobs"

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Zero much:

Anukha normally expresses her affection to her mommy with a sweet "I love you too much, mommy". 

One day, however, she was cross with her mommy and she indicated her sentiment with a sharp "I love you zero much, mommy".

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Mufasa:

When Vijay fast forwarded the portion in Lion King where Mufasa gets trampled in the ravine to avoid scarring Anukha, she right away realized that something was amiss. The following conversation ensued.

Anukha : "Daddy, what happened to Mufasa?"

Vijay : "He became a star"

Anukha : "How did he become a star?"

Vijay: "He had an accident"

Anukha : "Did he have a pee-pee or poo-poo accident?"

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Grown-ups:

Vijay (always trying to help Anukha build character) gratuitously asked : "Anukha - what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Anukha (after a careful consideration of the question): "A grown-up"

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That awkward age:

Anukha's logical attempt at expressing that she is not a baby anymore but is not a grown-up yet 

Anukha: "Mommy - I am half-young and half-old"

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Xoom out :

Vijay (while playing with our three year old Anukha and trying to wean her off gadgets) asked hopefully "Anukha, which is more fun - daddy or Motorola Xoom?"



Pat came her answer "iPad"

(Clearly, both Motorola Xoom and daddy have their work cut out for them)



Age 2:

Take two:

Anukha likes strawberry-shortcake bandages as accessories smile emoticon. One day, she wanted 2 and when asked why, pat came her response "because I am 2 years old!"


That time:

Anukha: "Daddy, what time is it?"

Vijay: "It is time to go to bed"

Anukha (clearly holding her ground) : "What number time is it?"

My First Rhymes

Age Five :

I wrote my first rhymes. See the pictures in this blog.

Five (finally)

Wow.. that year went by quickly and I cannot believe that I am five already. I sometimes longingly reflect on the good old days when I was four - Ah, those carefree times when a kid could throw a tantrum without consequences. Now, with great age, comes great responsibility ... and now that my freewheeling days of unfettered naughtiness are over, I am slowly preparing myself mentally for my fives ... I might be able to sneak away for an occasional tantrum or two, especially when my friends come over for a playdate .. but I think it is mostly down to a structured life of kindergarten, homework, gymnastics, swimming, soccer, good behavior and wholesome family fun.

Coming back to the fifth birthday - I had awesome birthday celebrations both at school and home and the associated overdose of all sugary things. Just to ensure a well balanced sugar diet, my parents got cake, candy, ice cream and for good measure some cotton candy as well (My dad called it "No sugar treat left behind"). (Wasn't it the Beatles that sang "All you need is sugar")...

So, let's see... what were the big happenings since the last blog post so I can have some semblance of a Timeline here? (Since I cannot join Facebook yet (officially anyway - I have not been able to convince my mom to fake my birthdate for Facebook purposes yet), I need to create my digital timeline the old fashioned way).

We went on a three week trip to India in winter - it was an interesting experience to say the least.
After a long flight (so long that I almost ran out of Dora episodes to watch) we landed in Chennai after a brief stopover in Hong Kong (which I believe was for reloading new episodes of Dora as the plane could not hold enough to make it all the way from SFO to Chennai). We went to my dad's old college
for his 20 year reunion. I had a blast chasing monkeys, spotting deer and generally running around randomly with a lot of other kids, while my dad went back to his his old college building and sat in his old lecture halls ("nostalgia tinged with masochism" he explained... I think it is either too much Tolstoy or too much Vodka). We went to the neighboring snake park and saw more snakes than you could shake a stick at (although that did not prevent the snake-keeper from trying to shake a stick at them). We spent another day in a beach resort near Chennai and that was a blast as well. The grown-ups had a party in the evening and I think they were mostly DUI - "Dancing Under the Influence"... and I hope my dad kept those YouTube videos private - otherwise, they would probably become YT viral hits for "Devolution of Dance".

We spent a couple of more weeks in Vizag, Hyderabad and Pune visiting friends and family and old monuments and museums. Everything in India was a stimulus overload (mostly a good overload) (the sights, the sounds, the food, the weather, the people - everything was amazing, colorful and interesting).

I also started learning to ski last winter. There is something inexplicably exhilarating about sliding down a smooth slope with no control and ever increasing speed till I crash into something tangible (which is made of foam most of the time, thankfully). We have also been doing a lot of hiking after the weather turned warmer - hiking is certainly less exhilarating for me and my sister but we go along as it seems to give my parents a sense of satisfaction to find new hiking trails every week. Somehow, the combination of good weather, easily accessible hikes and quiet evenings seem to soothe their (slowly fading) anxieties of high cost Bay Area living.

So, as I settle in for an activity-packed summer (movies, swimming, hiking, biking, travel, playdates, birthday parties) and look forward to starting my kindergarten ....Sweet dreams are made of these ... who am I to disagree...

At four (and change)

At Four (and change ...)

I entered my fours this summer and it looks like I have indeed entered the mid toddler-life crisis that everyone has been warning me about ... everything seems to be in a rut .. the same daily routine in pre-school, the same cereal (Honey Bunches of Oats - Just Bunches) every day, the same Dora series, the same weekend stuff (dinner parties, shopping, hiking, play dates), the same Gangnam dances .. life's got to be more than this.. I need to check out those Porsches everyone talks about.

So, to shake off the mid-toddler blues, I did what I learned from my mom (and the US Government)  – go shopping for things I don’t need with money borrowed from the future.  There is nothing like a few new outfits from OshKosh to brighten a dreary pre-K experience.

  

So, what else is happening? I am nailing all the checklist items for an above average desi kid (my dad said that it was the Lake Wobegon Effect that makes all desi kids above average – he is weird... he also blogs). I am reading well, writing well, dancing to Bollywood songs well and can do mango lassi shots. I watch a lot of Dora on weekends – I managed to convince my parents that Dora is “educational” because it teaches Spanish.

We have been traveling a quite a bit this year (my sister picked up this obsession with visiting as many new states in the US as possible with a goal of 50, I think. I believe my dad managed to convince my sister that there are only 23 states in the US now and that the deep South seceded recently from the US. So, we might be done with this gig fairly soon).

Earlier this summer, we went to Mt. Shasta, Crater Lake and Redwood National Forest for a long road trip. I stopped asking “Are we there yet?” after my mom showed me where we were on the GPS relative to our destination. Trust her to spoil a delightful stereotype. What’ll she tell me next – that an overweight, red-clad, aging Santa will not actually squeeze through our chimney and drop into our faux fireplace to place exactly wished-for gifts in hastily hung stockings on Christmas eve ? Hmmm… I wonder if mom’s insistence that Santa actually likes “a wet cappuccino with 1% frothed milk with a shot of mild roasted Starbucks coffee along with an almond biscotti” more than “milk and cookies” is a clue…

Anyway, we had a blast on our summer trip. We took many photos (way too many photos)….. (I don’t know when I will hear the last of my dad droning on …"in my day…. We had to think carefully before we pressed the trigger .. every shot was precious .. we had to frame the subject properly… the right optics, the right aperture, and right moment”….and I am not even sure if he is talking about photography or hunting… who puts that much thought into photography… I mean, really…. you just flip our your smartphone and press the blue button and fix everything in post…

Emboldened by the successful trip during summer (I overhead my parents congratulating themselves for their strong defensive tactics .. “we held the kids to less than 4 timeouts and 3 tantrums. The pivotal play was when Anukha was throwing a Hail Mary tantrum with her insistence on eating only noodles and we cleverly intercepted that with a YouTube "Tom and Jerry" distraction”… I was like… how many more days to Superbowl again? and this will hopefully end then …), my parents decided to another trip during Thanksgiving to Grand Canyon and Zion National Park.

We had a great time during Thanksgiving. We spent two days at Raji aunty’s place (a childhood friend of my dad) in Scottsdale, AZ and I had limitless fun and yummy breakfasts every day. We then drove over to the Grand Canyon, which was, like … big and grand. My dad said that the Grand Canyon is really gorges .. I think he meant "really gorgeous". I am finally beginning to learn more words that mean the same as awesome, nice and amazing. (It seems to give my parents a deep sense of gratification for those long drives if my sister and I go “Wow !! that was totally amazing.. I cannot believe it is so nice here.. it was totally worth it…” (especially the last part)).

After visiting the Grand Canyon, we headed over to ZionNational Park in Utah (after the obligatory photo that my sister had to take at the “Welcome to Utah” sign … eye roll).  Zion was really nice with very tall cliffs and lots of interesting rock formations (Aanya helpfully chimed in .. “Anukha, Anukha.. did you know that geologists are rock stars?”.. At this rate, I hope she keeps her day job).

After spending a day in Zion, we relaxed a bit that evening and headed over to Las Vegas the next day to fly out of there. Vegas was strange to say the least … they really have their geography and history totally messed up – they have Paris next to Venice which was next to New York, and ancient Rome is next to old Egypt that is next to some kind of medieval castle. And as if that wasn’t enough, there was an ugly looking gold-gilted building with strange letters “TRUMP” written on it. One would think that anyone who is associated with that ghastly monstrosity would choose to remain anonymous.

I saw that Vegas is the place for “just the right amount of wrong” … I am not quite sure what it means … but I had a feeling that it was not exactly a license to throw my fourth tantrum, so I stayed good for the rest of the trip.

That’s all for now.  Caio !!